M0B1US: Origins

Back off, villain...

Orson Mobius discovered his abilities at an early age. When trapped in the crossfire of a botched bank robbery, young Orson’s latent mental powers burst forth, projecting a barrier that saved his family. And though his parents never spoke again of their son’s miraculous feat, young Orson struggled to understand and connect with his abilities ever after. 

He studied psychology at Metropolis University with a concentration in trauma-related illness and adaptation. Afterward, Orson’s practice gravitated toward Arkham Asylum; an institution known for treating patients with supernormal abilities. In his spare time, he practiced using his talents until he could lift simple objects with his mind, unlock doors from the inside, and yes, even thwart petty street crime. 

The coming of exobytes was like manna from heaven to Orson. Finally, the catalyst he needed to unlock those deeper realms of the mind to their fullest. But with his transformation came the inevitable struggle with villainous meta humans. Though mentally empowered, he found himself vulnerable to attack and influence. His quest for truth and justice must also include a search for bettor armor, but only so he can fight for more truth and justice. 

His super weaknesses are mind your own business.

WORDfudge 100 Post Blowout

Today is an historic day for WORDfudge. My humble blogroll has seen her share of battles (and audience members). I'm amazed I could focus enough to write one article, but now... my 100th post. I'm truly speechless. And since that sentiment doesn't include writing, let me take a few paragraphs to tell you why.

It's funny how an achievement like 100 posts can cause a guy to reflect on what he's accomplished. For me, those hard-hitting articles had to be written, mostly for safety reasons really, since the hardest hitting people don't read. Hours of my time spent reviewing and then writing about books, movies, games, all without benefit of monetary compensation. And those fabulous guest celebrities whom I mocked and ridiculed from the safety of Podunk, Ohio. Such glorious times in cyberspace.

And yet, a successful web-to-blog transplant and hours of image tweaking later and I'm still tucked away in a corner of the Internet sharpening my prose. I step back at 100 posts and wonder if my goal from the start was obscurity. The amazing adventures of my voice lurking in a virtual candy store, whispering opinions and research to passers by. My words never had a chance to make an impact. If every one of my posts turned out to be a page long, that's 100 pages of bloviating.

WORDfudge is nothing more than a snark-peddling fudge factory. Nobody buys snark when it's directed at them. You have to give it to them. Take it to them. Hurl it at them.

So, to honor this momentous occasion for the blog WORDfudge, I've decided to blow her to smithereens. [pause for gasps] Now, now, your fictional concerns are appreciated and well timed, but it's for the best. Doing so will break me out of my comfort zone. And besides, my purpose for writing is more than window dressing from this point forward. I've discovered a few (virtual) public venues for amateur writing... Consider this my launchpad for other sites:

WORDbomb!

http://w0rdbomb.blogspot.com/

It's a whole new agenda for my causal online writing life. And that means it's time to say good-bye to the fudge factory! Get your gay jokes in while you can, folks, 'cause she's about to go... 

kuhBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

* No writers were harmed in the destruction of this blog.

Wired for Abuse

I didn’t want to talk about this, but I can’t stay silent any longer. I’ve been trapped in an abusive relationship for more years than I care to admit, easily over half my life. And though we’ve been careful to avoid physical marks and bruises, my lover takes from me FAR MORE than he gives back.

I can’t even tell you why I stay. He refuses to better his self in any way, yet he demands more from me. I find myself spending all my cash on him. In fact, if I don’t give him what he wants, he stalks me by phone. I feel like he owns me in a weird way, like I’m his bitch.

Obviously I’m talking about that heartless bastard, my cable television provider. I hooked up with him when I moved into my first apartment. Yes I was young, but my provider was much different back then. He cared about my love for information and entertainment almost as much as my money. He never bullied me with sales calls. Even his commercials were shorter, sweeter.

But as his parent company purchased more of his friends and associates, he changed. His prices went up. He started parsing his channels until he’d built a wall of tiered service plans between us. He forced me into the digital era with promises that things would be better and brighter for us. That’s when he got pixilated and started blacking out.

Now, I’m paying an outrageous monthly fee for my cable provider to go through the motions with me, offering fewer and poorer quality services. Does he invest that cash to improve his equipment or customer support? If so, I haven’t noticed. The least he could do is spend some of that on me. But no, my decades of loyalty mean nothing to him. I’m placed in the same twenty minutes long telephone queue as everyone else.

So why do I stay? Am I a glutton for punishment? No, I think it has more to do with familiarity. I love cable television, even though sometimes I ignore him while he’s on. He’s comforting to me. I’ve invested memories and emotional responses in him. More importantly, without him, I would be forced to stay informed on my own. I’d have to exert effort just to watch new episodes of my favorite shows. I’d be alone in a vast media market.

I see a way out, though. I know a few people who have broken up with their cable providers, choosing to spend time with their Internet instead. Maybe it’s time… The Web and I have been good friends for years. Maybe the connection I’ve been looking for has been in front of me all along.

Pedophile Fan Club

The situation unfolding at Penn State disgusts me on more than just the obvious level. Most everyone I know finds it despicable when the rape of adolescents is kept quiet. But that attitude seems to change the closer you get to PSU campus. In fact, students are actually rioting in favor of Coach Joe Paterno. Overturning trucks and tearing down lamp posts, general hoodlum behavior because their beloved coach covered up one teeny tiny raping of a ten year old boy.

I can understand loving someone and feeling conflicted about an uncovered scandal, but rage? Rioting? You brats need to recognize a crucial fact here. ANYONE who puts the security of a university’s reputation before that of a ten-year-old boy should be fired. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say they should be set on fire, because obviously they can live with a heavy secret like that in defense of their Alma madder.

On the upside, Ashton Kucher admitted to his tiny gaff on Twitter, and I commend him for that. So... we’re cool. 

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: UPDATE

Watch for falling body parts

Breaking developments in the Apocalypse, ladies and gentlemen. It’s been nearly 16 hours since reports first came in about living corpses wandering the streets, attacking citizens, and moaning for brains. After a hectic investigation, top military personnel have uncovered an explanation for this abomination.

READERS ARE URGED TO TAKE THE FOLLOW EMERGENCY STEPS: 1) SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER 2) TURN ON ZOMBIE-RELATED MEDIA AND THEN MOVE AWAY FROM THE TELEVISION 3) GENERATE UNDEAD CONTENT FOR DEFENSE PURPOSES; BLOG, TWEET, CREATIVE WRITE 4) STAY CALM! HELP IS ON THE WAY

Direct from the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., a de-classified report of scandalous consumer abuses perpetrated by big budget studios in Hollywood, CA. Armed raids on the research facilities of three major motion picture studios revealed devastating evidence of human brain testing. Many of the documents seized are still under investigation by the FBI, but what we’ve learned so far will shock you. 

The fans are coming!

In 1998, research scientists discovered proof that the love of zombie-related films was itself mindless and ravenous. They isolated ‘zombie fandom’ in the brain and found the best way to target it was through simple exposure to blood and gore. Fandom doesn’t require good story or believable plot developments, just lots of necrotic zombie flesh, cannibalistic behavior, and explosive headshots using an assortment of artillery. 

Backed by corporate sponsorship, studios invested billions of dollars to intensify the experience of zombie films, hoping to over-stimulate fandom and thus create dependency. They saturate films and television with zombie themes and ideas for nearly a decade, raking in profits that defied themselves each year. 

Fancy some human flesh?

But scientists underestimated the level of dedication involved with zombie fandom. They never counted on fans exposing themselves to those graphic and realistic images over and over and over and over again. The results were far more devastating than addiction. The neuro-chemical seat of zombie fandom rotted from within. And once that critical portion of the brain has been afflicted, fans must be fed a steady stream of undead entertainment or else they revolt. Literally, their cellular structures rebel against them and they become the very thing they crave. 

And now, plagued by a shortage of zombie entertainment, this rebellion has taken hold. As Americans shift their infatuation to super heroes and serial comedies, corporate sponsorship has all but dried up for zombie films. Fandom attempted to satisfy its cravings on The Walking Dead series on A&E, but that only lasted for one season. Certain authors have tried to pick up the slack, inserting zombie references into otherwise classical works of fiction. There’s a Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an Abe Lincoln, Zombie Killer, and a twist on that timeless classic, The Adventures of Huck Finn and Zombie Jim. But it was too little, too late. 

President Obama has issued a national state of emergency while military personnel rush zombie film festivals to every major movie theater in America. Once these buildings are destroyed, an estimated 87% of the undead infestation should be eradicated, allowing teams of black-op soldiers to move in for strategic kills as necessary. Until then, citizens have been ordered to arm themselves with zombie stories; blog posts, tweets, dirty limericks, anything to placate the masses of ravenous fandom wandering our streets. 

Stay tuned to our blog affiliate, W-FDG, for the latest fictional news as it develops.

THE HARD STUFF

"I can drive. No really, hand to God."

What the hell is going on over at NBC studios? Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb GETTING DRUNK BEFORE NOON, that's what. We're not talking once by accident while sampling holiday punch either. Tuesday is Boozeday on Today with Kathie Lee & Hoda. These ladies treat a wine sampling like a contest. I watched them ride the Purple Cowboy for $12.00 a bottle. The Martin Luther King Jr. holiday is considered a good reason to drink to them!  

What's up, America? Why didn't anyone tell me the drunken, bitchy, middle-aged character was en vogue right now? You know I don't view much outside of cartoons and news these days. Here I find two sauced biddies flapping around morning television, getting paid mind you.  Hell, anyone can produce newsie / chattie / product placementie programming if they've had enough Merlot. Or Champagne. Or martinis, of course.

Tell you what, NBC. You give ME a couple million dollars, a studio and crew, and enough liquor to sustain my show for a season, and I'll give you ratings gold. Here's the pitch. I'm an intelligent, opinionated gay man and I'm allowed to get loose on national television and express myself. I'm sitting in front of a well-stocked bar, with a well-stocked bartender ready to attend to my every need. Guests of the show sit in luxury atop red swivel seats, plush with sculpted back support. Naturally, I'll take the chair on the end, equally plush and red and swivelish. 

We'll chat about the news and politics and some fashion and cultural stuff. Nothing too ditzy. Smart people get sauced too, you know. I'm aiming for more bitching than bullshitting. It might be a smaller demographic, but I'm willing to risk it. We could have a diverse roster of guests on the show. Someone famous might barf on television. Maybe a politician says something naughty. Who knows? The potential must-see television moments associated with booze are near infinite. 

It's a ratings magnet, I tell you. The whole thing could be sponsored by Budweiser and Absolute Vodka. We could air the show later at night if it makes you feel better. It would certainly make me less pathetic than ol' Kathie Lee burping up mimosas at 10 a.m. 

Think about it, Hollywood. Have your people call my people.

BLATHERING SCORN

[UPDATED]

This offends me. And I don't even WANT gay married.



There have been a couple different responses to this, but my favorite by far comes from Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report. Check it out!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

NINJA GRANNY

My friends love to hear about the exploits of my grandmother. This confounds me. They’ve all met her and know she is best appreciated in small doses. Perhaps that’s why they prefer my stories to the real thing. Oh yes, it’s easy to have a good chuckle from a safe distance isn’t it?

Well I’m here to tell you it is no laughing matter! She is no ordinary woman!! Her years of training are concealed by the guise of a helpless old hillbilly.

I first became aware of her amazing powers back in high school. It was a beautiful day, one that should never be wasted in the halls of public education. My friends and I decided to take a well deserved yet unannounced holiday. With little effort, we were able to slip past even the most vigilant of school yard monitors.

But I was not allowed to enjoy that day of rest. Somehow my granny discovered I was playing hooky. She tracked me down within hours of my liberation and proceeded to give me the worst scolding of my life, made worse because it was in front of my friends. And while she scolded, without missing a beat, she pulled from her purse a lovely sack lunch for me to enjoy. I was humiliated and awe struck all at once.

From that day forward, she was known throughout my small corner of the world as the infamous Ninja Granny. People quietly feared her, and worked hard to stay in her good graces. After all, she can be an asset when properly motivated. Cross her, however, and you will learn what it’s like to be attacked by someone society deems “helpless”.

I swear to you she is a being without rival. At her side is an industrial sized handbag that can hold a three course dinner. Its mysterious contents are a perfect weight to beat back any attacker, and she can muscle her way through the worst yuletide sales events.

Equipped with sonic vocal cords, her nagging capabilities are astounding to behold. She can guilt, shame, or otherwise belittle a man from fifty paces easily. She can convince any salesman to lower his prices, any waitress that a dollar is a sufficient tip, and any adult male that he is nothing without his mother.

So I write this not to gain cheap laughs, but as a warning to you all. Ninja Granny is out there prowling the streets. She is armed and extremely cantankerous. Remember that the next time you find yourself standing close to an old crone in the grocery store or at the bank. What appears to be a helpless matron just might be your worst nightmare.

TIME/SPACED OUT

What the …? The Ides of March have come and gone in 2007, and I missed it? Where the hell have I been? Let’s see, I was hurtling toward the holidays head first ... I remember my breaks locked up, powerless against the gravity of the yuletide season. Once I hit, I must have lost all sensibilities. I vaguely recall lots of snow all at once, and also trying a new kind of cake. Other than that, I got nothing. Months of my life, gone.

This isn’t fair. It’s like time and space decided to ditch me for some cooler kids down the block. Or maybe time and space have better things to do than set me on track. I don’t know; whichever makes me the victim in all this.

To me, this is more evidence that the instrument of time is not user friendly. Take your eyes off it and then it’s four months later. Other people tell me their time is working just fine. Some are actually smug about it. Well pheuf … I’d exchange mine if I still had the receipt.

It’s all terribly confusing. Luckily I have a government lording over me, to keep these cosmic constructs in check. Perhaps you noticed their recent handy work? With their awesome powers, Congress successfully moved daylight savings time ahead one month. It was a spectacular feat of prestidigitation for our grand wizards, especially considering how short the congressional work week turns out to be.

This hyper spring forward is part of a new energy plan enacted to combat rising energy consumption and cost. If signed into law, the plan would solidify Spring Forward on the first weekend of March, and also push Fall Back to the final week in November (instead of October.) The rationale behind this space/time flux is magical; an extension of daylight ours will trim energy cost by removing some of the need for artificial light during the evenings. The All Power has blessed us with another hour of daylight!

I didn’t really see much celebrating though. Lot’s of confusion and sleepy faces. It’s the very thing what roused me from hibernation. I still haven’t taken the bunny slippers off, so you KNOW this has impacted me on a personal level.

Let’s start with tradition. The Fall Back period of daylight savings has been enjoyed by many simply because it appears to give them more sleep. But any party shark will tell you that Halloween is made so much better when the taverns have an extra hour to serve booze. The change occurrs at 2 a.m., well before last call. And really, who wants a Halloween party to end too soon? This new energy bill HATES Halloween parties, and it hates you for going to them. We will all be hurtin’ without our “extra” hour of sleep.

Now, as I dry my tears let me remind us of the inherent nature of Time. It is a tool used to measure the duration of events and compare the motion of objects. It is an intellectual structure, a pattern our minds place on the world in motion. We are not moving time because there is no thing to move. We’re merely changing our understanding of it, and with that our habits to compensate for a lack of available daylight. That’s why we have a need to Spring Forward and Fall Back to begin with.

And really, this does not reduce the amount of energy people use. It merely changes when they use it. For example, hundreds of thousands of moms are up at the butt crack of dawn with their children. They’ve got televisions going, hair dryers blowing, microwaves heating, music playing, lights to see by, the works. Some of them now need to use more electricity for the lack of morning light.

The only way I see that we can truly conserve energy and thus coinage in our pockets is to actually take on a conservative attitude. Shifting dates around on a calendar only looks cool. And yet I’m sure our tax dollars went into the committees to decide on the color scheme for the pie charts used to express a need for us to begin making some real progress in the overall problem at hand.

On the other hand, how would Americans react if they were asked to make small sacrifices? A wee piece of me wants to believe we’d do it if it were labeled right. We'd have to update Riveting Rosie, maybe pierce her nipples .

In other news, scientists decided to go public with the reality that we can never travel through time. Again, there’s nothing there to travel through; only the concept itself. There is one moment, ongoing and for us, eternal. Which means I’ll never get my four months back … ever. This blows.

And so I resume my post. Now if only I could forget how to age …

MISS HURGE U.S. of A.

My oldest and dearest friend is a drag queen. I believe the reason we get along so favorably is because she is an entertainer and thus a story teller in the truest sense of the word. While I write my tales down, she enacts hers. It’s rather shamanic if you think about it. For more information, click the side bar link in the Peanut Gallery entitled Ms. D. Meanor. Our friendship gives me brief glimpses into the world of drag queens, and brother, it’s a mess in a dress.

For those of you unaware, there are levels of cross dressing people do, each with their own titles and purposes. A drag queen is a man who takes the illusion of a woman in order to perform or entertain. They are a distinct minority from cross dressers, who are men who dress as women because they want to. Interestingly enough, a majority of cross dressers are straight, many with wives and children; they just feel comfortable in chiffon and the occasional cheek rouge. Transsexuals involve actually becoming a woman through surgery and drug treatments, and honestly I don’t know much about these.

But the variety doesn’t stop there. Drag queens are social by nature. There are quite a few drag pageants out there, allowing for a greater number of queens to hold a title and crown of some sort. Two national competitions are for the titles Ms. Gay U.S. of A. and Entertainer of the Year, and oh are they a big to do! They have an “At Large” competition for those girls who tip the scales, a pageant for the golden girls of drag (ballads, snore), and my personal favorite, the booger competition; very campy and fun for anyone watching.

Why so many? For starters, there are only a few places where drag queens can go to perform their craft, let alone win any sort of recognition for it. Gay bars are it, and these are owned and operated by wealthy gay men with influence in the gay community. With so few venues, multiple titles spring up. Drag queens are vicious creatures, with the potential to destroy entire city blocks if jilted from her crown. It is in the public’s best interest to allow a greater variety of queens a shot in the spotlight.

What it all boils down to is drama, which you expect from entertainers. A very large number of very catty cross dressing men are forced to preen and strut for one title. Occasionally, when one of them doesn’t win, they believe it’s due to their age, or their weight, or the color of their skin, etc. and go off to create their own pageant to excel in. Here’s my point: fewer stages + many different kinds of queens + each with a desire to win = dramatic, competitive atmosphere. I’ve heard all sorts of tea, from jealous queens to shady business in the judging booth. It’s all become so terribly confusing.

Therefore, I have come up with another sort of pageant (because you can’t have just 50.) I believe there should be a drag queen competition that requires the contestants to have at least an 8 inch dick. Now hear me out. If you have a really big schlong, it’s going to be more difficult to hide such a thing. This gets back to the roots of drag queenery, putting on the illusion of the opposite sex. All other criteria would be void; you can be older, booger, chubby … you probably WILL be black (good lawd). We can call it Ms. Hurge U.S. of A.

The competition would start with a “weighing in” of sorts, where personal measurements consist of a tape measurer to the crotch. Queens would next undergo an interview by the judges. Questions would vary, though probably remain in the area of “You have a really big dick, how’s that workin’ out for ya?” Later that night would be the star studded entertainment portion of the competition. Contestants would be required to have at least one skin tight or revealing outfit in order to fully show the ability to hide their members. They would have three opportunities to do this: evening gown, talent, and showmanship. Of course, the more numbers they meet this one requirement, the better the judges favor. C’mon, what bigger ego feed can you get? “Look what you all can’t see!” It would be fabulous.

And before I end this, a final word on the matter of pageantry in gay culture. The leather community ALSO holds competitive events for the title of MR. Gay U.S. of A., MR. Gay Ohio, you get my meaning. They strut down a walkway … to the VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! What nonsense. Do I have to slap EVERYONE around here?

CTHULHU REVIEW

Hmm, well it’s been awhile since I wrote anything publicly. I’ve been kicking something around for a while, but I don’t think I fully understand it. It’s a topic which can be interpreted in several ways. Eventually I’ll feel confident in writing on it. In the meantime, I’ve been reading The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson. I had already read the Schrodinger’s Cat Trilogy and was laughingly confused the whole time … so I thought I’d give this one a whirl.

Illuminatus! is about conspiracy. Instead of there being one secret power in control, there are several, each driven by the other and all possessing knowledge that is part of a larger Whole. It is intentionally written in a confusing manner, with the perspective changing from first person to third back to first then on to reading some letter or article back to third person, and so on. I feel the writers are attempting to tell the story from the point of view of the story instead of one perspective. That seems the point of the book thus far.

It makes use of almost every organization, cult, secret society, ancient text and forgotten lore I’ve ever heard of, and even a few I had no clue about. The Illuminati are only one familiar name, and I can assure you they were not fictitious. Imagine my surprise when I read a small reference suggesting the Mad Arab al Hazred worshiped ancients such as Yog-Sothoth and Cthulhu. Al Hazred wrote the Necronomicon back in the 700s C.E. as a history of long forgotten beings who once roamed Earth. He claimed to have communed with at least one, thus gaining their practices and intentions.

It is nothing new to suggest other life forms existed on Earth before humans dominated the scene. Archeologists tell us wondrous tales of dinosaurs and crawling fishes and exotic plant life from long ago. Martian sympathizers suggest humans were somehow manipulated by alien beings early on, given knowledge and then left to our own devices. Jewish traditions claim that a number of angels longed for our women and came down to take them for wives. Their offspring were terrible monstrous deformities, awesome beasts akin to the Titans of the Greek mythos. Arabian beliefs called these beings Djinn. It was because of these creatures that YHWH decided to flood the world and cleans it. (The Christian Bible leaves that part out because it’s too Jewish, deriving from the Talmudic Book of Enoch.)

The title Necronomicon literally means “Book of Dead Names”. That al Hazred was collecting these for magical invocation seems most logical. The idea that it is somehow involved with necromancy is superstition derived in part from the root necro- in its title. Its dubious history involves numerous attempts by orthodox religion to snuff its existence. It is hard to say if anyone has access to it anymore. That which I’ve seen may have been a fake.

My interest is in the reference to Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth. If these were names al Hazred consorted with, it has a relevancy in recent history. They are among the Cthulhu mythos spawned by the writer H.P. Lovecraft. Many of his stories use Cthulhu creatures as a backdrop, where people in our dimension suffer the influences of beings long since transcended to the next plane of existence. Lovecraft supposedly encouraged his fellow writers to do likewise, transforming characters like Cthulhu into a mythos, a collective opinion conforming to a pre arranged set of ideas.

It is very reminiscent of Gnostic interpretations of otherwise orthodox religion. Theirs is a layered reality, where death is merely a doorway to the next level of life. Energy can not be created or destroyed, only changed and in one direction. You continue until you are reunited with God. The Old Ones located in the Necronomicon are gone, banished from our world, giving tremendous importance to possession of their lost names. These are called the Enochian Keys, another reference to the Book of Enoch of Jewish lore.

From a literary point of view, this was ingenious. The Cthulhu mythos is still alive today, lurking at the edges of current culture. Entire books are out there compiling the tradition Lovecraft started, of different viewpoints contributing to the Whole. Several authors have included references to it, including the Illuminatus! There’s even a role playing game dedicated to it. Alas, it is the literary universe these Old Ones must remain. Lovecraft was fond of the Necronomicon and included it in some of his work. It in no way means he actually acquired his characters from it. Definitely fun to research though.

APRIL FOOL'S TRADITION

Another April Fool's Day has come and gone. I've seen some pretty funny pranks so far. I love that we can get away with stuff at least once a year!! It's got me wondering how celebrating All Fools Day has endured for so long ... and because of this fact, why we haven't made it something to "officially" celebrate. Imagine the frustrations you could get out HARMLESSLY on, say, a coworker or family member. Think of the tremendous boom on the novelty barf and googley eye markets! I personally replenish my supply every year.

All kidding aside though (yeah, that was supposed to be a joke) it's not celebrated with Hallmark cards or CBS specials, so really we know nothing "official" about April Fool's Day except to play pranks on one another. What I've uncovered in my research is astounding in its implications toward the world.

Many separate cultural legends are behind celebrating the 1st of April. Among them, the day of Christ's crucifixion. Even though Christians observe Passover, the "movable feast", at pre-determined dates during March, April, or May, the crucifixion of Christ has long since been associated with around the first of April (coinciding with Piscese, if yer interested ... sign of the fish?) More than likely, our culture places Good Friday and Christ's ressurection on Passover to coincide with accounts in the Bible suggesting the passion of Christ occurred at that time.

Also found in the crucifixion story is the notion of Jesus being "ratted out" by the Jews, sent before the High Priest in the Jerusalem Temple, who then sends him to be "dealt with" by a priest with more time on their hands, who agrees with the condemnation of Christ and leads him before Pontias Pilate to be executed, who disagrees with the charges and sends the Jews away, where they approach Herod himself, who then instructs (for the peace of Jerusalem) that Jesus be killed, where he is brought BACK before Pilate and finally condemned. Phwew!! April first was sure a crazy day for Jesus.

All of that is a running gag on JUST HOW FAR the Jews would go to preserve their Covenant with their one God. The rambling of the account is half the fun of it, I guess. Essentially, April 1st is an unofficial day to point and laugh at Jews, and show what total morons they are. It is the reason the day will never be an official holiday in America.

Which brings up the notion of Christians supporting their Jewish ancestors, if for no other reason than to justify the use of the Old Testament as Holy text. It was almost unreal to first discover the significance of April 1st and then to discover an obvious cover up of all this in order to avoid anti-Semitic rhetoric. But hating Jews is nothing new to humanity; it's happened for countless centuries.

In fact, legends of old tell us they were once a part of another, more ancient civilization living in ancient Persia. These people were living at peace with one another when, from the sky, a tremendous war ship crashed into their capital city. A new group of beings spilled out, calling themselves Zionists and demanding full access and freedoms to human society at once. Their arcane, ritualistic behaviors and insistance on holding the Truth to the universe was too much. A war broke out wherein the Zionists were pushed into the deserts, banished. To prevent association with this chain of events, the alien creatures changed their name to the Hebrews.

Indeed it was members of this group who accused Jesus of heresy, and had him crucified as a symbol of defiance against Zionist rule. Only later, when they saw that followers of Christ were growing, did they infiltrate the simple minded country folk and implant their beliefs firmly back into practice and scripture. Since then, Jews have tip-toed quietly forward in the shadow of Christianity, abiding their time until they can once again lift off into the heavens.

For years, many MANY famous people have known the reality of the Jewish "lineage" and attempted to rid humanity of its scourge. Among the greatest by far was Adolf Hitler, who's dominance in WWII was not only to proliferate a superior race, but to assure purity in humanity versus the alien Zionists living in our midsts. His was a charge of great importance, and he was toppled innocently enough by Christian culture!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy crap, I can't type any more. I'm just fucking with you guys. SHEESH, lighten up. This is really a joke on my friends. They know from past experience that I frequently DO look into cultural myth and legend. I hope I got you guys!

The part about there being a bunch of separate cultural traditions was true though. More than likely, April Fool's Day finds its roots in pagan traditions of seasonal worship. Celebrating the Vernal Equinox with a week of feasts ending April 1. Gaw .. you guys fell for it didn'tcha? Admit it!