Hitchhiker's Cliff Notes

THE CHALLENGE: Create a teaching aid for the prologue and first chapter of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

SYNOPSIS

The planet Earth orbits largely unnoticed in the backwaters of the Western Spiral arm of the galaxy. The dominant life forms are primitive ape-descended people who thrive on being mean to one another, making their race an unhappy one. Their existential turmoil lasted for several thousand years until, one Thursday, a young woman figured out the secret to human happiness. Unfortunately, she and her discovery were lost when the tiny planet was destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass.

For Arthur Dent, the last Thursday on Earth was also the day his small cottage was scheduled for demolition. His friend, Ford Prefect, finds Arthur negotiating with city workers by lying in front of the nearest bulldozer. Unlike Arthur, Ford is an alien, so he knows about the Earth’s impending destruction. Ford convinces a city worker to take Arthur’s place on the ground so that Arthur and he could have a drink at the local pub.

CLASS DISCUSSION

The author describes our ape-descended race as “so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.” What primitive characteristics still exist within modern human beings?

Mr. Prosser is descended from Genghis Khan, yet due to generations of racial mixing, the only noticeable characteristics in Prosser are “a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a predilection for little fur hats.” How has your ancestry helped to shape you as a person?

Ford Prefect is researching Earth for the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. What facts about Planet Earth would you want included in the Guide?

M0B1US: Origins

Back off, villain...

Orson Mobius discovered his abilities at an early age. When trapped in the crossfire of a botched bank robbery, young Orson’s latent mental powers burst forth, projecting a barrier that saved his family. And though his parents never spoke again of their son’s miraculous feat, young Orson struggled to understand and connect with his abilities ever after. 

He studied psychology at Metropolis University with a concentration in trauma-related illness and adaptation. Afterward, Orson’s practice gravitated toward Arkham Asylum; an institution known for treating patients with supernormal abilities. In his spare time, he practiced using his talents until he could lift simple objects with his mind, unlock doors from the inside, and yes, even thwart petty street crime. 

The coming of exobytes was like manna from heaven to Orson. Finally, the catalyst he needed to unlock those deeper realms of the mind to their fullest. But with his transformation came the inevitable struggle with villainous meta humans. Though mentally empowered, he found himself vulnerable to attack and influence. His quest for truth and justice must also include a search for bettor armor, but only so he can fight for more truth and justice. 

His super weaknesses are mind your own business.

Ending the War (on Christmas)

No, more to the right. So the neighbors can see.

The War on Christmas has terrorized millions of innocent people in this country. For years, it has waged in the minds and hearts of sensitive individuals, devastating their holiday cheer. The disputed territory is a minefield of sensibilities impossible to breech, leaving the two sides at a stalemate of their own creation.

Fighting for Christmas are many proud men and women without melanin in this country, striving for full expression of white Jesus in his newborn state. It’s a sacred time of year for these oppressed peoples, and yet they are asked to cover their glowing plastic statues, take down their religious signs, and merely decorate using tinsel, lights, ornaments, and mistletoe. How many more wishes for a “happy holiday” can Christians take? 

And on the other side, we find a band of rebels who seek justice for the oppression of literally hundreds of diverse individuals in select regions of our nation. People forced to overt their eyes from displays of the nativity, some of them with live animals. And the caroling! All those Christmas songs have religious overtones! There’s no escape for them. 

Ho ho holy hell he's packin' heat!

Well I’m waving the white flag of surrender… because more of us are tired of playing along with this war crap. We can put the cultural conflict to an end today. Stop the imaginary fighting before another make believe casualty falls. But both sides must be willing to compromise if a cease-fire can be reached. 

For our Christmas Warriors: Stop asking that we use government property like buildings and roads to display overtly religious imagery. That’s really the only concession Christians should make when it comes to celebrating and decorating for Christmas. I mean, it’s a holiday too! They can express themselves openly, just not on public property. We all pay for that, thank you. 

Every helmet lined with tin foil.

For those of a Politically Correct persuasion: The sticking point for you is displaying religious imagery on government property. And I agree with you. Stay within those parameters. Do not insist that privately owned stores and property dumb down their Christmas decorations to reflect a more sensitive holiday spirit. That is not your say. Make it more about freedom of expression and more diehard Christians will agree. America practically bulges with cultural diversity, so let’s start playing it up. Why not hype other religious celebrations? We can find a few holidays to jazz up in Judaism, no problem. 

If people don’t have a particular religious slant (like myself), then they should get over themselves. Religious people have a right to express their joy around the frickin’ holidays. If that really bothers atheists, they can rewire their reactions like mature adults. When they see a nativity scene, for example, they can celebrate the fact that they don’t need religion in their lives. It’s that simple. 

And so, ladies and gentlemen, dramatically overhyped wing nuts to the last, I place before you the terms of a cease-fire. There’s a line to be drawn here that everyone can agree on. And there’s something even more important to focus on in the future, that being a freedom of expression. Can we have your signatures? 

X: ________________  X: ________________

Once a treaty has been signed, I’ll fax the whole shebang to Bill O’Reilly. And then there can be peace (and eggnog) once more.

Congratulations!

(flag pin included)

Projection Politics

Clint Eastwood’s speech at this year’s Republican National Convention proved to us that there’s a Barack Obama only conservatives can see. We’ve all heard about him on Fox News, the secret Muslim who rode Affirmative Action into the White House in order to institute Sharia Law and mandate abortions. We just can’t see him the way true conservatives can. 

In fact, the last four years of American politics was summed up nicely by Eastwood’s presentation; an angry white guy shouting about a make-believe president for the benefit of a Republican audience. 

A lot of Democrats claim the whole conservative push-back is because of racism, but I don’t think that's the heart of the problem. I mean, we’ve all heard someone attack another based on personal grounds rather than solid facts. The attacker doesn’t know much but is emotionally invested in the argument, so he resorts to what he can improvise. And when it comes to an African American president, I think a lot of conservatives don’t pay attention to politics, they don’t read legislation, and so they fall back on what they know… racism and anti-government rhetoric.