My friends love to hear about the exploits of my grandmother. This confounds me. They’ve all met her and know she is best appreciated in small doses. Perhaps that’s why they prefer my stories to the real thing. Oh yes, it’s easy to have a good chuckle from a safe distance isn’t it?
Well I’m here to tell you it is no laughing matter! She is no ordinary woman!! Her years of training are concealed by the guise of a helpless old hillbilly.
I first became aware of her amazing powers back in high school. It was a beautiful day, one that should never be wasted in the halls of public education. My friends and I decided to take a well deserved yet unannounced holiday. With little effort, we were able to slip past even the most vigilant of school yard monitors.
But I was not allowed to enjoy that day of rest. Somehow my granny discovered I was playing hooky. She tracked me down within hours of my liberation and proceeded to give me the worst scolding of my life, made worse because it was in front of my friends. And while she scolded, without missing a beat, she pulled from her purse a lovely sack lunch for me to enjoy. I was humiliated and awe struck all at once.
From that day forward, she was known throughout my small corner of the world as the infamous Ninja Granny. People quietly feared her, and worked hard to stay in her good graces. After all, she can be an asset when properly motivated. Cross her, however, and you will learn what it’s like to be attacked by someone society deems “helpless”.
I swear to you she is a being without rival. At her side is an industrial sized handbag that can hold a three course dinner. Its mysterious contents are a perfect weight to beat back any attacker, and she can muscle her way through the worst yuletide sales events.
Equipped with sonic vocal cords, her nagging capabilities are astounding to behold. She can guilt, shame, or otherwise belittle a man from fifty paces easily. She can convince any salesman to lower his prices, any waitress that a dollar is a sufficient tip, and any adult male that he is nothing without his mother.
So I write this not to gain cheap laughs, but as a warning to you all. Ninja Granny is out there prowling the streets. She is armed and extremely cantankerous. Remember that the next time you find yourself standing close to an old crone in the grocery store or at the bank. What appears to be a helpless matron just might be your worst nightmare.
Well I’m here to tell you it is no laughing matter! She is no ordinary woman!! Her years of training are concealed by the guise of a helpless old hillbilly.
I first became aware of her amazing powers back in high school. It was a beautiful day, one that should never be wasted in the halls of public education. My friends and I decided to take a well deserved yet unannounced holiday. With little effort, we were able to slip past even the most vigilant of school yard monitors.
But I was not allowed to enjoy that day of rest. Somehow my granny discovered I was playing hooky. She tracked me down within hours of my liberation and proceeded to give me the worst scolding of my life, made worse because it was in front of my friends. And while she scolded, without missing a beat, she pulled from her purse a lovely sack lunch for me to enjoy. I was humiliated and awe struck all at once.
From that day forward, she was known throughout my small corner of the world as the infamous Ninja Granny. People quietly feared her, and worked hard to stay in her good graces. After all, she can be an asset when properly motivated. Cross her, however, and you will learn what it’s like to be attacked by someone society deems “helpless”.
I swear to you she is a being without rival. At her side is an industrial sized handbag that can hold a three course dinner. Its mysterious contents are a perfect weight to beat back any attacker, and she can muscle her way through the worst yuletide sales events.
Equipped with sonic vocal cords, her nagging capabilities are astounding to behold. She can guilt, shame, or otherwise belittle a man from fifty paces easily. She can convince any salesman to lower his prices, any waitress that a dollar is a sufficient tip, and any adult male that he is nothing without his mother.
So I write this not to gain cheap laughs, but as a warning to you all. Ninja Granny is out there prowling the streets. She is armed and extremely cantankerous. Remember that the next time you find yourself standing close to an old crone in the grocery store or at the bank. What appears to be a helpless matron just might be your worst nightmare.
1 comment:
All I gotta say is Prawno!
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