Hitchhiker's Cliff Notes

THE CHALLENGE: Create a teaching aid for the prologue and first chapter of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

SYNOPSIS

The planet Earth orbits largely unnoticed in the backwaters of the Western Spiral arm of the galaxy. The dominant life forms are primitive ape-descended people who thrive on being mean to one another, making their race an unhappy one. Their existential turmoil lasted for several thousand years until, one Thursday, a young woman figured out the secret to human happiness. Unfortunately, she and her discovery were lost when the tiny planet was destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass.

For Arthur Dent, the last Thursday on Earth was also the day his small cottage was scheduled for demolition. His friend, Ford Prefect, finds Arthur negotiating with city workers by lying in front of the nearest bulldozer. Unlike Arthur, Ford is an alien, so he knows about the Earth’s impending destruction. Ford convinces a city worker to take Arthur’s place on the ground so that Arthur and he could have a drink at the local pub.

CLASS DISCUSSION

The author describes our ape-descended race as “so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.” What primitive characteristics still exist within modern human beings?

Mr. Prosser is descended from Genghis Khan, yet due to generations of racial mixing, the only noticeable characteristics in Prosser are “a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a predilection for little fur hats.” How has your ancestry helped to shape you as a person?

Ford Prefect is researching Earth for the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. What facts about Planet Earth would you want included in the Guide?

More Bully Than Bane

Ever danced with the Devil in... eh, skip it.

Well, I finally went to see Dark Knight Rises. I decided to wait ten days, not out of fear of attack, but rather to prove that some people know how to wait a few days for something they want, like movies. Or handguns. I enjoyed the film, as I have with Christopher Nolan’s entire trilogy. But as a fan of Batman, I have mixed feelings about the portrayal of Bane. [Readers beware: spoilers ahead, so don't bitch.] 

I get that Nolan wanted to do away with the messy “magical realism” that usually bursts from Gotham City. He worked hard to ground the comics in reality. And often his methods worked brilliantly, evolving Batman and villains in modern and believable ways. Other times, though, Nolan robs those characters of the very things that make them worthy of their roles in the Batman series.

Geek Love

GEEK LOVE 

by Katherine Dunn 

Al Binewski inherited his family’s circus during troubled economic times. Not many people could splurge on a show for their family even after the Great Depression. The old familiar acts of the Binewski Fabulon were not enough to draw the crowds anymore. 

Al’s new wife, Lily the geek, was eager to help recast the circus as a must-see exhibition. Together, they devised a plan to grow their attractions using their love for one another. They tinkered with pharmaceuticals and mild poisons during Lil’s various pregnancies in order to produce mutated offspring that were guaranteed to bring in revenue. 

... What Good We Do

Do Not Ask What Good We Do: Inside the U.S. House of Representatives
by Robert Draper

In 1796, a retiring member of Congress wrote to his colleague, “Do not ask what good we do. It is not a fair question in these days of faction.” He was venting frustration over stagnation of the House of Representatives due to partisan bickering. Neither the Federalists nor their opposition would budge on a variety of important issues, thus grinding our nation’s government (and her progress) to a halt.

In that faraway legislative body, Robert Draper finds many parallels to more recent congressional leaders. After dramatic gains in the 2010 elections, a tidal wave of Tea Party activists descended on the 111th Congress armed with extreme ideas about governance. The ensuing Congressional year was nothing short of a tug-of-war match by politicians for the soul of our country, probably the last thing we needed during a time of financial instability. 

Damned Good

Chuck Palahniuk has taken his readers to many places: the warehouse headquarters of a homegrown terrorist organization; the backseat of a cross-country drug and cross-dressing scandal; the sleazy backroom studio that creates “adult” films. But until his recent novel Damned, Palahniuk chose only to write about concrete settings. He’s never ventured into speculative territory like Hell for the setting of one of his stories. It’s new territory for him and it’s great.

The story’s heroine, Madison, is only thirteen when she finds herself in Hell. As it turns out, the extreme views of Evangelicals and Southern Baptists are all true, making Madison’s pot smoking a mortal sin. At first, Madison is in a rusty cage like other prisoners of Hell, but she soon discovers a way to escape that starts her on a journey through the underworld and ends, of all things, with a transformation in Madison herself. She finds new strength and confidence in hopelessness, and uses it like a weapon to the end. 

Palahniuk does a great job of painting a Hell we all can find eternally grotesque and torturous. For example, the landscapes are a patchwork of naturally discarded materials from mortal mankind, things like toenail clippings and scabs and other unsavory things. Palahniuk also creates rules for Hades, and a currency from those candies nobody likes on Earth, even employment opportunities through the exciting and expanding field of telemarketing. It’s all so gleefully hideous and believable. 

I gobbled this book up, but then, I love Chuck Palahniuk. His writing is clear and descriptive. It contains a definite pulse as he uses themes and certain phrases to tell his story. I feel like every word has weight and meaning. My only trouble was the continuing aspect of Damned. I’m used to Palahniuk’s novels building to a wonderful crescendo that ties everything together by the end, and the continuing element to this story cut that effect short. But that just makes the wait for the sequel all the more difficult. Check out the website for Chuck Palahniuk called "THE CULT".

[Originally posted at books((dot))AUM]

Favorite Fantasy (XII)

A floating, evil-eyed bomb beast!

I’ve traveled East Ivalice for over a hundred and forty hours now, searching for answers to my questions. The conflict brewing here has engrossed several neighboring countries, yet our adventure party has long since strayed from the heroism gig in order to plunder the depths of FINAL FANTASY XII. The free roaming atmospheres allow us to hunt those unique targets and tackle side quests at our leisure. In my opinion, it’s an RPG paradise… 

Unfortunately, my opinion counts for squat in the gaming galaxies. Many other players threw a fit about FF XII, forcing SquareEnix to re-re-revamp their gaming engine. The redesigned mechanics of Final Fantasy XIII (thirteen) appeal to the real-time action gaming crowd… you know, those dainty young minds that don’t like a lot of menus or turn-taking in their video games. I still can’t understand why those gamers want to play RPGs in the first place, or why a mega company like SquareEnix would appeal to them over hardcore role players like myself. I felt the recent changes were so awful and distracting, I didn’t even finish FF XIII. Instead, I returned to Ivalice in order to rediscover what makes this Final Fantasy game so great (in my unqualified opinion). 

Brother against brother.

Experiencing the storyline for the second time has given me new appreciation for it. It’s a dramatic tale of rival nations battling for supremacy, with the next generation of leaders torn between conquest and peaceful coexistence. The game was released shortly after Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, so it has a ton of Star Wars similarities in it (much like FF XIII has a slew of Transformer similarities). Flying ships, advanced technology and magic fused together, stuff like that. I never found drama to translate well into video gaming characters; their faces look stiff and plastic to me, and at a time when emotional expressions are needed. This game does pretty well for a PS2 original. 

With that said, the play mechanics are what really draw me to the game. If you’ve ever played a Final Fantasy, you know how tedious it can be to maintain characters during battles. Since you come across a lot of the same enemies in an area, you find yourself performing the same actions over and over, casting the same spells, and healing party members continuously. It gets monotonous. 

A little help here, please!

But in FF XII, characters can be programmed with a series of prioritized actions they perform during battles. This is extremely helpful when it comes to removing status effects like poison and raising KO’d party members, but it also makes fighting fun. It’s like your party is backing you up as you fight. Critics say that these programmed ‘gambits’ allow the game to play itself, entirely removing the need for a player. I disagree with that. I still maintain characters and make crucial decisions during every battle… but my mind is free from other, more obvious decisions that play out automatically (like a character falling below 30% health and knowing she needs to replenish). 

The Phon Coast

Each region of East Ivalice is a series of area maps strung together, allowing players the chance to walk from one end of the land to the other, fighting, searching, and gathering experience. Enemies roam the terrain visibly, often providing the adventure party an opportunity for a strategic attack or even a stealthy pass when characters are inexperienced. 

And the land is beautiful! Breathtaking even, sometimes frightening or mysterious. The frigid mountain palace in the Paramina Rift. The steamy Golmore Jungles. Sprawling cityscapes such as Rabanastre or the foreign empire of Arcades. The designers meticulously crafted each area. No flat and cornered maps here, friends. There are little believable touches everywhere. My favorite by far has been the Feywood near Giruvegan: a haunted forest shrouded in fog and an oily, reflective mist. So mysterious… it’s fantastic! 

My crew, Balthier and Fran

Our party is currently roaming the Henne Mines, grinding like hell for experience, whacking at undead vampyr bats that don’t know when to quit. My strongest players are Balthier the sky pirate and his strange Vierra companion, Fran. They fight alongside Vaan, the plucky young hero who really has no depth or personality in this story and thus provides the perfect vessel to make him whoever you’d like him to be. I’ve got Vaan maxed at level 99, a feat I’ve never accomplished before in an RPG. I always get bored in the 70s. But the game play in FF XII is that addictive. 

With the numerous side quests and special hunts and leveling opportunities and optional espers to tame, over a hundred forty hours of play so far, I have no clue why SquareEnix panicked and drastically changed their engine to something so horrible. Perhaps it’s true that Final Fantasy fandom is divided into real-time whores and turn-based pussycats. And if that’s the case, we may experience a few more lurches before the war over this issue is finally won. Fair warning to real-time gamers: we turn-based nerds have a lot of patience, and we love to grind an issue endlessly. Let this one go.

America, Inc.

RE: "How to Lose Readers (Without Even Trying)"

To Sam Harris: Sorry to hear that people pushed back against your article on taxing the wealthy. Reading your blog, though, it feels like you still want them to get it… to understand the value of supporting the society in which they do business. You might as well give that up. Even if they DID get it, they’d argue against a fair, supportive society. That society creates a difficulty environment for someone to gain advantage over others and thus profit. And that’s not how they made their millions and billions of dollars, now is it? 

To reach the wealthy, we must appeal to their gold-plated sensibilities. Forget their human side for a moment and hit them in the coin purse. Ask them HOW all their wealth has value. Not WHAT, but HOW. They want to talk about WHAT they have and WHAT the government takes away. But HOW does all that stuff have worth to begin with? Is there something about the green ink they use to print those millions of dollars that makes them so damn great to have? What cosmic force unites the various business sectors and private investors to create an economy in which those businesses thrive? 

People of wealth are too far removed from the perceptual framework of survival. It’s more difficult for them to take a step back and see the foundation upon which they build their empires. We must remind them HOW they are wealthy, over and over again, or they’ll get lost in their profit margins. America has a mixed economy for a reason… 

Eventually, this train of thought leads to the point you want to make, Sam: sustaining society is a good thing. But they must see it from THEIR point of view, not one of a rational human being. We are consumers, investors, and borrowers. The cheaper it is to survive, the more money we consumers have to spend building, traveling, baby booming, or whatever else Americans do when not stressed over their immediate needs. 

The rich will “get it,” but only when you define society as something corporations and businesses INVEST IN to get more return. Maybe even create a bunch of spreadsheets and graphs for them to argue about in board meetings. They’ll identify with that. Investing in “economic infrastructure” is the safest, sanest way to keep money printing in order for wealthy executives to earn. Bubbles burst. Bailouts bite the big one. Better to think ahead. 

I realize that “corporations are people, too,” and in more ways than Mitt Romney will admit to, but you – man of reason, Sam Harris – you cannot treat them as if they’re human beings. They’re not. They’re super humans: brains with multiple arms and multiple voices penetrating our lives, drawing from us in order to sustain themselves. If they’re going to treat us like cattle, at least keep us well fed.

I'm just sayin'...

life, liberty, & the pursuit of sausages

Even though the title caused me to grab this book off the shelf, the story kept me interested throughout. Like other British novelists, Holt uses adverbs and qualifiers excessively, and every narrative situation happens as if we’re all sitting at tea. And come to think of it, the characters never did get around to pursuing sausages. Still, Holt had some marvelous ideas about the nature of time and space, and was able to weave them (if not a bit eccentrically) through the mysterious nature of the riddle “Which came first? Chicken or the egg?” Worth a read if you’re searching for fun and science fiction together.

Posted on Google Books, May 19, 2011. (4 stars)

EARTH: THE BOOK

The Daily Show crew has put together another comedic gem with “Earth: The Book”. This next installment in their “educational series” presents itself as a textbook on all things physically, culturally, historically, and spiritually Earth-related. There’s humor inside for everyone: the old, the young, males, females, Chinese people, and even politicians. And best of all, its perfect to read in the bathroom! What more could you ask?

Posted on Google Books, May 19, 2011 (4 stars)

Sarah from Alaska

I was a little ashamed to admit I was reading a book about Sarah Palin. Like all things Palin, I expected more drama than policy, and to that end, this book did not disappointed. But Sarah from Alaska showed me Palin the governor, before the campaign trail and her popularity with culture warriors. It revealed a conservative woman who reached across the isle to accomplish big things for Alaska. Someone I may have voted for even. As for the narrative, it’s mostly bare bones reporting, but that makes for a quick read. I’m glad I dedicated a day or two to get to know Sarah from Alaska. 

Posted to Google Books on June 16, 2011. (3 stars)

SUPER OKAY

When I found out that DC Comics was producing a MMORPG, I nearly flipped! Anyone can tell you I’m a HUGE fan of DC Comics, especially Batman and Robin, so an ongoing adventure set in Gotham City and Metropolis seemed the perfect introduction to this new gaming platform. Are you kidding?! Creating my own superhero?! And/or super villain?!! Sounds like a super good time! Sign me up!

Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGs) have skyrocketed in popularity since the early days of WarCraft and Final Fantasy XI, with good reason. They allow players to create unique avatars that take part in online quests. As they quest, their character grows stronger and more personalized based on experience (RPG). It’s like chose your own adventure, but instead you chose the role you play in an adventure. (Hint: I’m the nerdy magician usually.) MMORPGs invite gamers from all over the globe to come together in a shared setting (MMO). I was itching to waste large quantities of my time inside of one.

That was before the release of DC UNIVERSE ONLINE. The game has been out for over a month now, and I’ve played most of that time. And I have to admit; my feelings are heavily conflicted on this game. It’s a gruesome battle between my brain and my heart. 

My heart has fallen for the missions involving such greats as Batman, Wonder Woman, and the Flash. For the villains, I’ve hench’d for the Joker and Harley Quinn, fought with Sinestro, and battled Queen Bee. Traveling freely through Gotham and Metropolis is equally a thrill. I can’t tell you how great it was the first time I noticed I was not the only hero vaulting across rooftops in Gotham City. So great! 

And while the character creator is a bit limited in what it offers, I’ve been able to create two fantastic characters with depth and personality to them. The tiered system of powers and abilities helps to keep everything in order. (If you play, I recommend flight. It’s too many things to describe.) As always, I’ve created two characters around magic and/or mental abilities. The picture to the right is of my hero, Mobius the Mind Master. My villain, Evil Eye the sorcerer, has yet to be photographed. (He’s a slippery one!) See?! You start out with whatever you can cobble together, but as you upgrade and select new powers, your character becomes something unique for you. There’s plenty of opportunity to create and interact with the real, honest-to-goodness DC universe as a hero of your own making. It boggles my mind!

Oh, but it’s not enough to lull my brain to sleep on this one. There are many bugs and glitches in DCUO. There have been times when enemies didn’t populate the game board, and yet they attacked me and finally tapped me out. I’d say I experience that at least three times a week, and I play five of those days. Many of the items fail to fully populate the field also, like switches that open doors and allow you to continue missions. Yeah, whoops. Exactly. The levels themselves have a difficulty level on them that’s laughable. You may go in as a level 21, but by the time you come out, you’re probably closer to 24 with a lot of regenerations and weapon repairs in between. I’ve used potions and got nothing in return. Etc. and so forth. 

This is not acceptable. DC Comics asked me to pay a hefty sum for the game itself, plus asked me to dedicate fifteen dollars to them every month so I could see what adventures they unlock next. The least they could do is have the product ready to play, one that doesn’t frustrate the gamer or require them to wait over an hour for updates. I understand glitches. I’m not asking for perfection. But it seems at times as if the very foundation of the game is shaky, like they probably should have kept it under wraps for a few more months. They already delayed release on it during the much-rewarded Christmas holiday. I can see why. 

My loyalty and love for DC Comics remains, but they have not been enough to excuse the massive failures of this game. They’ve actually heightened those shortfalls; I want to play so bad, I’ll bang my head against glitches for hours. Madness, I tell you! Let’s say 6.5 out of 10. Get the lead out, DC. Fix this damn thing before my head explodes.

WHOLE 'NUTHER M

DISCLAIMER: The following is a scathing review of the new release, Metroid: Other M.  I’m not holding back while writing this, so if you don’t want the game ruined, stop reading now.  And to other readers, those who don’t play video games, sorry to geek out on you, but my heart is broken right now. 

Let me begin by saying how excited I was that the Metroid series was returning to third person perspective.  I love the suit that the heroin wears, so watching her move and execute special abilities is a treat.  It adds a very cinematic quality to the game that was lost in first person shooter. I can at least admit that this game has the feel of Super Metroid, only in three dimensions.

And really, I enjoyed the game play for the most part. Modern day gaming enthusiasts will probably criticize the grid-like maze of passages or the side scrolling perspective, but I felt the developers used depth and open areas to give it that feeling of freedom and exploration we love. Also, the transition between third person and the visor perspective felt natural. 

But that’s where my charity ends for this game. 

Even though I like the game play, they still need to tweak the engine, especially that damn stealth walk.  There’s no reason to slow the action down just to walk through the ladies room.  And they can get rid of detective mode while they’re at it, so I don’t have to figure out what tiny bit of the atmosphere I have to hold my curser on for five seconds in order to move forward.  Each of those clunky game features slowed the action down to frustrating levels.    

The play time stinks.  100% completion on normal mode can be achieved in fifteen hours.  I mean, come on! I should be slogging through a new Metroid game for days, maybe weeks.  And the so-called Hard Mode you unlock?  The reason it’s hard is because you have no power ups to collect.  No energy tanks, no missile expansions, no machine parts.  That’s the best part about a Metroid game!   Finding things!  You take away the search and discovery, and it’s just running back and forth shooting at things. 

But the worst part, by far, was the story.  Just awful.  Blasphemous.  At one point, I took a bathroom break while a cut scene played.  Samus talks to herself a lot in this game, giving us bits of detail to flesh out the story.  90% was pointless and absurd.  Her relationship with military personnel as both professional and personal was forced and corny.  Maybe close ties with soldiers, but a superior officer that treated her like a daughter?  That allowed her to openly defy orders or speak out?    

My real problem is that the developers at Team Ninja seriously misunderstood Samus Aran as a character.  To put it bluntly, she is a badass.  In her line of work, she has to be tough and capable; she tootles around the cosmos hunting bounties for cash.  In this game, Samus is sometimes frail and dependent.  They had her stumbling, reaching out to a military leader at one point, wounded and in need of protection.  Yeah, I went and had a bowl movement at that point. 

And while we’re at it, Samus is also a human being, which means she would use the tools at her disposal to get a job done.  So, if she found herself in water and she had the gravity suit available to her, she’d turn on that feature and use it.  After all, it could be a matter of life or death! Of course she’s going to turn on the kick ass features of her suit when they’re needed.  Team Ninja was extremely lazy here.  There’s a way to orchestrate Samus’s initial exploration to unlock her power ups naturally.

Whoever made this game has some serious issues with women.  Or maybe it’s a Japanese culture thing.  Either way, they took a beloved female character and erased everything noble and strong about her.

I’m honestly plucked that Nintendo allowed this to pass their smell test.  They’re usually so diligent with flagship titles.  Out of ten points, Metroid: Other M gets a 4.0.  This story never happened.  Samus was delusional and dreamed the whole thing.  She’ll wake up in cryogenic stasis or some science fiction gimmick.  I don’t care!  Anything is better than domesticating the toughest bounty hunter in the galaxy.  

PYGMY

Chuck Palahniuk is one of my all time favorite authors. His writing style balances smartly between art and common sense. As a writer, I look forward to Palahniuk's novels. I learn a lot from his use of words.

With that said, I didn't much care for his latest book Pygmy. The words got in the way of the story. It's a first person perspective told by a visitor from a communist country, so the words are supposed to get in the way to a certain extent. I get that. But the narrative was often confusing, tripping me up, causing me to reread and piece together meaning.

What's worse Palahniuk doesn't logically employ this shoddy grasp of the English language. When Pygmy relates American dialogue, he repeats the words effortlessly. Why would he have such a hard time speaking it? If nothing else, wouldn't continued exposure improve his grasp of English? It does for the rest of us.

To me, Pygmy is not a believable character. He understands things like "electric blue" and the "dermis" of someone's skin, but candles are a mystery. Why else would he describe one as a long fire string surrounded by wax, burning on one end? Wouldn't you run across "candle" on your way to understanding electricity and human anatomy? Even if you cobbled the language together using American television??

I'm sorry Chuck, this is nothing personal. You know I'm a super big fan. The plot driving Pygmy is great, but the storytelling distracts from the read. I know I missed some of what you were trying to say, and that frustrates me most. I feel robbed. I still learned from this book, just not in the usual ways. 4 out of 10.

JUST NOT FUNNY

The Dark Knight is out and ticket sales are through the roof. Critics are gushing over Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker, calling it an Oscar winning performance. Audiences applaud the director for “refreshing” the famous super villain, giving him a greasy, psychotic flavor.

Well ... after seeing this movie twice, I must loudly disagree! This is NOT the Joker. Certain fundamental elements are missing from his character. And since I'm a collector of Joker comics and memorabilia, I feel the need to geek out about this. Bear with me.

APPEARANCE: This time around, the Joker is not bleached white, he’s in face paint that ends at his chin. He’s not smiling, his mouth is mutilated. His hair is barely green at all. No gags. No props. Any possibility for a living, breathing clown among us is gone, replaced by a knife victim with nothing to lose. Personally, I think he looks like The Crow with a makeup malfunction.

But the clown persona is vital on a deeper level. It's what released the Joker from a "normal" life, and transformed his criminal behavior to the ranks of super villainy. Just as Batman dons the mantle of a bat to terrorize criminals, Joker embellishes on his hilarious disfigurement for comedic effect. It's part of the joke!! A symbol of innocence, fun, and merriment committing unspeakable acts.

With that said, I will admit these superficial changes do NOT necessarily ruin the portrayal. I could probably deal with the face paint if it weren’t for the omission of other crucial elements.

CHARACTER: While it’s true that the Joker is a stark raving madman, there is an obsessive method to his behavior which gives him his charm. He is a delicate balance between sophistication, aggression, and child-like glee. His disfigurement leads the Joker to fully own the persona of a man constantly smiling. It seals his fate, but it also points his madness in a specific direction.

Joker 2008 is merely vicious and cold blooded. He’s a sociopath using clown masks to identify his gang. Any humor by him is quirky, awkward, and sarcastic. Heath Ledger shows us a starved wolf when he should have aimed for a hyena.

CAPERS: Crime is a time to celebrate for the Joker. When he crafts a heist into a humorous scenario, he is announcing himself, signing his name to the deed. Comedy is how he shows off. Suffering and death are his version of the punch line.

The current Joker's crimes, while clever and interesting, are not funny. ARE - NOT - FUNNY. Not even to him apparently. That signature juxtaposition between humor and tragedy is missing. He's a terrorist menacing a major city, that's all. Other villains in the Batman universe could have planned them just as easily (the Penguin springs to mind.)

Sorry guys ... I just can’t get into him. No disrespect to Heath Ledger of course. I do find it interesting that he died soon after the creation of this movie, and of a chemical overdose to boot. Hardcore fans of the Joker might understand what I mean by that.

GRAND THEFT SOCIAL LIFE

Lock up your valuables and ground your children prematurely … there’s a new Grand Theft Auto on the market! Rockstar Games recently released a fourth installment of this electronic juggernaut, providing parents the world over another convenient scapegoat for why their children are hoodlums. And by my humble estimation, it is the best in an already great series. Gamers, start your thumb pressing!!

The plot is waist deep in illegal immigration, drug trafficking, murder, car jacking, and dealings with the mafia. You play Niko Bellic, a renegade Slavic desperate to find closure for atrocities he was forced to take part in during some undisclosed war. He steps off the boat from a long sea voyage to stay with his cousin and hopefully make it big in America. It is the typical immigrant story just itching to slip into depravity, mayhem and crime.

Grand Theft Auto IV takes place in a fictional version of my favorite metropolis, New York City. You’ve got every major land mass (renamed of course), from Brooklyn to the Bronx, Manhattan to Jersey shore, and even Liberty Island with its famous statue. Well known areas such as Central Park, Time Square, the Metropolitan Museum and St. Andrews Cathedral are so well done it’s like you’re right there among them. There are lots of little nuances to enjoy as well, such as hot dog vendors, multi cultural cursing, graffiti everywhere, beat cops, and an overbearing attitude you either love or hate out of fellow New Yorkers. Rockstar went all out for this one, recreating the city in breathtaking detail.

Of course, having been to New York City before, I can report how ludicrous it is to think you can drive at ANY speed through these famous streets. If you’re not in a taxi or a limo, more than likely you’re hoofing it toward the nearest subway. That’s fine by me. I have a feeling this virtual model of the city is the only safe way to fully explore it by car, bike, chopper or boat.

Now let’s be honest; Rockstar Games did NOT make it big by publishing the highest quality software. They climbed the ranks solely by their willingness to push the boundaries of good taste and social taboo. In fact, I’d go so far as to claim this is their trademark, and why so many frustrated teenagers are desperate to get their hands on these games. They’re guaranteed to see lots of blood, hear lots of cursing, cruise lots of women, and witness a few sexually suggestive scenes (from a car bouncing with the purchase of a hooker to a cutaway while the character scores with his latest date).

There are some aspects I don’t like about the Grand Theft Auto series. The game’s engine sucks, and Rockstar refuses to do anything about it. There are so many possible actions to choose from, the button scheme is a nightmare. At times, the character seems to have a mind of his own. It can make accomplishing objectives frustrating. This becomes even more tedious considering where the player is forced to start if they are killed during a mission: waaaaaay back at the beginning, which could be across town and through a couple different plot revealing cut scenes.

With that said, I’m thoroughly enjoying this game. The story is interactive and perfectly executed. The level of challenge is enough to keep you playing for weeks on end (trust me on this). I have to admit though, I play like a homo. My driving is so slow, the secondary characters I transport give me grief about it! Also, I’ve collected just about every pair of shoes you can purchase in the game. That’s just how I roll baby.

FINAL ANALYSIS: 8 out of 10 points. The game kicks ass, but Rockstar ... PLEASE tighten up that engine of yours. I don't care how exciting, action packed, or raunchy your product is, failing because of faulty character movement just ain't fun.

BOX OFFICE BLASPHEMY

Despite early reviews, I went to see the DaVinci Code. The theater was so full there were only single seats available. My friends and I were forced to separate. It is true that it's an extremely long film, but having read the book I recognize the need to stay true to Dan Brown's masterpiece. In reading the story, the involved characters have lives of their own which need explanation and finality. The inspector and his involvement with the Church is a good example. This apparently translates to another hour in MovieLand.

I thoroughly enjoyed the film. To read about the various works of Leonardo DaVinci involved in the story is one thing, but to see them as backdrop, prop and setting was great. There were flashbacks of historical events throughout, one of which (my favorite) being the famous Council of Nicenea. It was portrayed similar to British parlament, with various factions of Christ followers gathered around a central table fiercely debating the issues at hand. Truly marvelous. I even found Tom Hank's hairstyle pleasing once his character took shape.

The movie's producer, Ron Howard, was questioned at the premier about the controversy around the book and thus his film. He assured fans that he was true to the book (and he was). Furthermore, he encouraged people who thought they might find the movie's message offensive to avoid seeing it. He didn't think it was worth it if the person wouldn't enjoy what they saw. I found that a noble sentiment, particularly coming from Hollywood.

Such controversy over a legend that's been around for quite some time. Having seen the story take place before my eyes, I understand fully why there is so much dispute and knee jerking over it. I don't believe it's because Christ is suggested to be mortal. Sure this is offensive to those who see him as a personal savior, but I think it goes deeper. The Church is the villain in this movie, attempting to destroy evidence that would refute its existence in society. Christianity (Catholicism specifically) is seen to take an active role in misleading their congregations. That scares people.

I've said it once, I'll say it again: whatever your opinion of Dan Brown's DaVinci Code, it has truly thrown open a door that can never be closed again. Not only does the book show the Church's failings historically, but it does so in an entertaining way. Portraying historical facts as a scavenger hunt of divine proportions compells the reader (and viewer) to the end, just to know if the characters find what they seek. And since there is mention of contrary ideas such as the Council of Nicenea and Gnostic Gospels, these ideas have no choice but to live on, agreed with or heavily denounced, in our culture. Long live blasphemy god dammit.

I NEED A FWIEND :*(

Okay, I feel dumb asking this, but does anyone else play Animal Crossing for the Nintendo DS? See I'm a 30 year old man who's addicted, and no one else I know is likewise. Not even my B-cuz, the most awesome gamer alive! Oh sure, I've found people online who play, but so far I've not been able to convince any of them I'm not a pervert (SHH, quiet all of you!) Still, even if I was a pervert (and the jury is still out on that) what am I gonna do ... expose my pixels at em? Say a dirty word?! Oh man, and there's this awesome final expansion to the local shop that turns it into a mall with a hair salon. I'm so jealous.

I've spent a little time each day since Christmas interacting with the town of Hysteria. It's actually a well laid town. The post office, museum and market occupy all of the northwest quadrant, leaving the remaining acres for housing. Our northeast quadrant has a beautiful view of Hyper Falls. We are currently a thriving exporter of pear shaped fruits and coconuts. The towns local philanthroper Nimrod Noodle has taken great pains at reshaping the land to provide maximum accessibility AND marketability. His clothing line is another story however, as nothing he designs seems to take hold (except with him of course.) He's usually seen cavorting town in a top hat and monacle.

The Hysteria Museum of Fine and Otherwise Hooty-Hoo Arts continues to grow in its various exhibits. Quite far the most complete (and lucrative) of these is the Ancient Animals, which is chock full of goodies. The Gallery has yet to display more than two portraits of worth, and rumor has it many counterfit works have tried to make their way in via shady sources. But above all, the crowning glory is the new Stary Eyed Observatory, where anyone can come and contribute to the star chart with their own unique designs! And if you come back at night, your designs decorate the sky!!!! I nearly flipped when I saw the Triforce floating in the east!

While the town has seen many animals come and go since December, a few remain faithful to Hysterian soil. Dotty the rabbit can't seem to give up her beautiful beachfront property, nor Octavian the Octopus. Angus the Bull is the only original animal still living in town, and he is crotchety. We had a celebrity animal for a short time, Frigga the friggin' blue bird I guess, but she bored easily.

Can't you people see I'm going nuts here?

I'm almost to the point of buying a used DS for my friend Honey and then forcing her to Animal Cross with me 'till her eyes bug out! Damn you woman!! You loved the GameCube version! We shared a community together... doesn't that mean anything to you?

TRUTH IS GREEDIER THAN FICTION

My first opinion(ation) must come to the defense of a great book and, more importantly, a clever writer. Yes, Random House Publishing is being sued by two of its nonfiction writers in response to Dan Brown's more recent thriller, The DaVinci Code. The co-authors of the book Holy Blood, Holy Grail (1982) claim that Brown's fictional book tarnishes the integrity of an otherwise serious subject. Their lawyer is on record suggesting Brown took short cuts instead of doing his own research. Then in December 2004, ANOTHER author tossed his hat into the ring of controversy with similar claims of plagiarism on his book The DaVinci Legacy (1983). What a mess.

For those of you who haven't read the book (or absorbed any of the media storm that ensued), in a nut shell, Jesus and Mary Magdelene had a baby whos sacred bloodline remains to this day, with lots of car chases and shooting and murder and excitement to get to this realization, the end. Sorry to ruin it for ya, but you've had ample time to pick it up and read. Obviously, this sort of understanding of Jesus Christ is counter to the holy figure so many faiths, not just Protestants, hold close to their hearts. The DaVinci Code has even been offically denounced by the Pope as a work of utter fiction (a fact Dan Brown whole heartedly agrees with.)

The three accusing authors claim that Dan Brown utilized much of the information in their books for the purpose of constructing his novel. And you know ... quite honestly he might have. Both Holy Blood, Holy Grail and The DaVinci Legacy are works of nonfiction which THEMSELVES are constructs of much earlier myth and legend. The two books are part of a larger pool of research that came about starting in the 1970s. They are in no way the CREATORS of this theory. The very act of compiling evidence to make historical claims, ESPECIALLY about Jesus Christ, involves reading other sources.

The notion of Jesus and Mary Magdalene as husband and wife is as old as the rest of Biblical lore. What makes it unique is that it's located in manuscripts that were ultimately seen as heretical and thus discredited. The Gnostic Gospel of Phillip, for example, extoles Mary Magdalene as a desciple who was closer to Jesus than any of the others. This gospel has a heavy theme of keeping the Sacrements, especially that of marriage. The Gnostic Gospel of Thomas also suggests a deeper relationship with Mary. Further, it emphasizes a direct and unmediated experience of the divine for anyone, which includes women. I have a particular fondness for this Gospel since it was preserved by Egyptian scholars and not passed around by peasants and slaves.

As for Mary having a child through Jesus, that comes a bit later in history. Officially, Mary Magdalene is reviered by the Church as a saint who brought Christ's message to Gaul (now France). Her enormous popularity in that part of the world gave rise to at least one other official Cult of Mary Magdalene, as well as a host of legends that french bumpkins told by campfires. One such story depicts Mary Magdalene and child fleeing persecution after Christ's death to the shores of Gaul. Such tales usually devolved into who might possibly be a part of that ancient and holy lineage. Could it be YOU?

My point is, this stuff is part of legend. Nobody has the right to claim a copyright on a specific theory about Christ. Or on any other historical figure or act. Can you imagine scholars suing novelists with a passion for King Arthur? Or claiming plagiarism when the Virgin Queen's rumored suitor is turned into a trashy romance novel?

Clearly they are upset at Dan Brown's success and want a piece of the pie. If it were a lawsuit grounded on principle alone, they would have attacked Umberto Eco by now for his book Faucault's Pendulum (1989). As for the tarnishing of this serious subject, I think nothing could be further from the truth. This book made an otherwise radical idea about Jesus something you could discuss at the dinner table. It's popularity sparks an interest in materials they themselves have created. So people prefer a good STORY to nonfictional claims of truth ... get over it. And stop picking on Dan Brown! And read Angels and Demons, cuz it rocks!!