Ending the War (on Christmas)

No, more to the right. So the neighbors can see.

The War on Christmas has terrorized millions of innocent people in this country. For years, it has waged in the minds and hearts of sensitive individuals, devastating their holiday cheer. The disputed territory is a minefield of sensibilities impossible to breech, leaving the two sides at a stalemate of their own creation.

Fighting for Christmas are many proud men and women without melanin in this country, striving for full expression of white Jesus in his newborn state. It’s a sacred time of year for these oppressed peoples, and yet they are asked to cover their glowing plastic statues, take down their religious signs, and merely decorate using tinsel, lights, ornaments, and mistletoe. How many more wishes for a “happy holiday” can Christians take? 

And on the other side, we find a band of rebels who seek justice for the oppression of literally hundreds of diverse individuals in select regions of our nation. People forced to overt their eyes from displays of the nativity, some of them with live animals. And the caroling! All those Christmas songs have religious overtones! There’s no escape for them. 

Ho ho holy hell he's packin' heat!

Well I’m waving the white flag of surrender… because more of us are tired of playing along with this war crap. We can put the cultural conflict to an end today. Stop the imaginary fighting before another make believe casualty falls. But both sides must be willing to compromise if a cease-fire can be reached. 

For our Christmas Warriors: Stop asking that we use government property like buildings and roads to display overtly religious imagery. That’s really the only concession Christians should make when it comes to celebrating and decorating for Christmas. I mean, it’s a holiday too! They can express themselves openly, just not on public property. We all pay for that, thank you. 

Every helmet lined with tin foil.

For those of a Politically Correct persuasion: The sticking point for you is displaying religious imagery on government property. And I agree with you. Stay within those parameters. Do not insist that privately owned stores and property dumb down their Christmas decorations to reflect a more sensitive holiday spirit. That is not your say. Make it more about freedom of expression and more diehard Christians will agree. America practically bulges with cultural diversity, so let’s start playing it up. Why not hype other religious celebrations? We can find a few holidays to jazz up in Judaism, no problem. 

If people don’t have a particular religious slant (like myself), then they should get over themselves. Religious people have a right to express their joy around the frickin’ holidays. If that really bothers atheists, they can rewire their reactions like mature adults. When they see a nativity scene, for example, they can celebrate the fact that they don’t need religion in their lives. It’s that simple. 

And so, ladies and gentlemen, dramatically overhyped wing nuts to the last, I place before you the terms of a cease-fire. There’s a line to be drawn here that everyone can agree on. And there’s something even more important to focus on in the future, that being a freedom of expression. Can we have your signatures? 

X: ________________  X: ________________

Once a treaty has been signed, I’ll fax the whole shebang to Bill O’Reilly. And then there can be peace (and eggnog) once more.