ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: UPDATE

Watch for falling body parts

Breaking developments in the Apocalypse, ladies and gentlemen. It’s been nearly 16 hours since reports first came in about living corpses wandering the streets, attacking citizens, and moaning for brains. After a hectic investigation, top military personnel have uncovered an explanation for this abomination.

READERS ARE URGED TO TAKE THE FOLLOW EMERGENCY STEPS: 1) SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER 2) TURN ON ZOMBIE-RELATED MEDIA AND THEN MOVE AWAY FROM THE TELEVISION 3) GENERATE UNDEAD CONTENT FOR DEFENSE PURPOSES; BLOG, TWEET, CREATIVE WRITE 4) STAY CALM! HELP IS ON THE WAY

Direct from the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., a de-classified report of scandalous consumer abuses perpetrated by big budget studios in Hollywood, CA. Armed raids on the research facilities of three major motion picture studios revealed devastating evidence of human brain testing. Many of the documents seized are still under investigation by the FBI, but what we’ve learned so far will shock you. 

The fans are coming!

In 1998, research scientists discovered proof that the love of zombie-related films was itself mindless and ravenous. They isolated ‘zombie fandom’ in the brain and found the best way to target it was through simple exposure to blood and gore. Fandom doesn’t require good story or believable plot developments, just lots of necrotic zombie flesh, cannibalistic behavior, and explosive headshots using an assortment of artillery. 

Backed by corporate sponsorship, studios invested billions of dollars to intensify the experience of zombie films, hoping to over-stimulate fandom and thus create dependency. They saturate films and television with zombie themes and ideas for nearly a decade, raking in profits that defied themselves each year. 

Fancy some human flesh?

But scientists underestimated the level of dedication involved with zombie fandom. They never counted on fans exposing themselves to those graphic and realistic images over and over and over and over again. The results were far more devastating than addiction. The neuro-chemical seat of zombie fandom rotted from within. And once that critical portion of the brain has been afflicted, fans must be fed a steady stream of undead entertainment or else they revolt. Literally, their cellular structures rebel against them and they become the very thing they crave. 

And now, plagued by a shortage of zombie entertainment, this rebellion has taken hold. As Americans shift their infatuation to super heroes and serial comedies, corporate sponsorship has all but dried up for zombie films. Fandom attempted to satisfy its cravings on The Walking Dead series on A&E, but that only lasted for one season. Certain authors have tried to pick up the slack, inserting zombie references into otherwise classical works of fiction. There’s a Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an Abe Lincoln, Zombie Killer, and a twist on that timeless classic, The Adventures of Huck Finn and Zombie Jim. But it was too little, too late. 

President Obama has issued a national state of emergency while military personnel rush zombie film festivals to every major movie theater in America. Once these buildings are destroyed, an estimated 87% of the undead infestation should be eradicated, allowing teams of black-op soldiers to move in for strategic kills as necessary. Until then, citizens have been ordered to arm themselves with zombie stories; blog posts, tweets, dirty limericks, anything to placate the masses of ravenous fandom wandering our streets. 

Stay tuned to our blog affiliate, W-FDG, for the latest fictional news as it develops.