THE HARD STUFF

"I can drive. No really, hand to God."

What the hell is going on over at NBC studios? Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb GETTING DRUNK BEFORE NOON, that's what. We're not talking once by accident while sampling holiday punch either. Tuesday is Boozeday on Today with Kathie Lee & Hoda. These ladies treat a wine sampling like a contest. I watched them ride the Purple Cowboy for $12.00 a bottle. The Martin Luther King Jr. holiday is considered a good reason to drink to them!  

What's up, America? Why didn't anyone tell me the drunken, bitchy, middle-aged character was en vogue right now? You know I don't view much outside of cartoons and news these days. Here I find two sauced biddies flapping around morning television, getting paid mind you.  Hell, anyone can produce newsie / chattie / product placementie programming if they've had enough Merlot. Or Champagne. Or martinis, of course.

Tell you what, NBC. You give ME a couple million dollars, a studio and crew, and enough liquor to sustain my show for a season, and I'll give you ratings gold. Here's the pitch. I'm an intelligent, opinionated gay man and I'm allowed to get loose on national television and express myself. I'm sitting in front of a well-stocked bar, with a well-stocked bartender ready to attend to my every need. Guests of the show sit in luxury atop red swivel seats, plush with sculpted back support. Naturally, I'll take the chair on the end, equally plush and red and swivelish. 

We'll chat about the news and politics and some fashion and cultural stuff. Nothing too ditzy. Smart people get sauced too, you know. I'm aiming for more bitching than bullshitting. It might be a smaller demographic, but I'm willing to risk it. We could have a diverse roster of guests on the show. Someone famous might barf on television. Maybe a politician says something naughty. Who knows? The potential must-see television moments associated with booze are near infinite. 

It's a ratings magnet, I tell you. The whole thing could be sponsored by Budweiser and Absolute Vodka. We could air the show later at night if it makes you feel better. It would certainly make me less pathetic than ol' Kathie Lee burping up mimosas at 10 a.m. 

Think about it, Hollywood. Have your people call my people.