HAGDOM

While speaking with friends the other day, I realized how many people in the heterosexual community still do not understand the complex relationship between a fag and his female counterpart. You've probably witnessed countless examples of these two together, especially while at the mall or other comfort stops. This is no small thing, people... worlds turn on such intricate social networks. You might say that special give and take between gay men and straight women helps to balance the whole equation for human beings. For now anyway.

But of course, like all things human, the gay / girl dynamic has gradations to it depending on the people involved. And here's where the confusion comes in I think, because gay stereotypes are well known and shattered occasionally, but the women involved are still clumped together as one generic heterosexual group. The reality is far different:

the fruit fly = this woman has an unnatural attraction to gay men (and by unnatural, I mean sexual attraction that will never be fulfilled, no matter how much liquor is involved). Fruit flies often buzz their way through big city club scenes, hoping to find that sensitive, caring, and well groomed individual who listens to them... with a penis. You may hear one laughing about the whole "gay thing", knowing in her heart that all gay men really need is the right woman to come along. INDICATOR: multiple visits to a hair stylist per month, resulting in overworked color or perms.

the fag hag = god bless this lady of the evening. She is any woman who shouts, "Fuck you men! And your unrealistic expectations of women!!" Girl, you know them ol' gay boys are gonna hang with you, so come on over. They refer to the gays as "the funnest people to be around," which roughly translates to "guys I don't have to shave or wear makeup around." A little known fact, the first fart on record by a female occurred while in the soothing and non-judgmental presence of gay males. INDICATOR: at least one junk food item somewhere on their person (or in their car).

the flame dame = gay men flock to this powerful woman. And the chances are good that heterosexual men try to get at her as well. Flame dames are usually well composed, confident, and most important, never overly dependent on men. In general or specific. More than anything, gay men act as shielding for the flame dame, repelling straight men in the heat of their cruising. INDICATOR: spontaneous house party on a Saturday night followed by spontaneous clean up afterward.

the homo honey = after serving a number of years within the Homosexual Agenda, any woman will have tolerated more than her fair share of drama, heartache, and self-loathing from her gay counterpart(s). She thus becomes eligible for the homo honeys. The many perks of this select group include access to a clothing and style advisory board, a 30% discount at any Lane Bryant store, and a lifetime of respect and admiration. INDICATOR: repeated requests from gay men to get the phone numbers of other gay men. BONUS INDICATOR: membership in the "Purse of the Month Club".

Again, stereotypes are shattered daily, so no angry comments. These are mere parameters, and half hearted ones at that. For the real story inside Hagdom, ladies will just have to support their local gay man and see for themselves. Live the adventure!

(Note: this program is not available for college credit.)